A rich man’s joke is always funny.
Proverb

Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?
Calvin and Hobbes

Lifes Tough, get a helmet!
**Short Funny Quotes**

Drink Beer Save Water
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
Harry S. Truman

Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Homer J Simpson

Always drink upstream from the herd.
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I am at two with nature.
Woody Allen

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
John Peers

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

Constipated People Don’t Give A crap.
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Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
Jim Wohford

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

Cheese� milk’s leap toward immortality.
Clifton Fadiman

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ….
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Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
Benjamin Franklin

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot
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Half of the people in the world are below average.
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All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.
Albert Einstein

You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.
Homer J. Simpson

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Issac Asimov

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller

Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or the cook.
Harry Oliver

Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.
Joan Konner

The downhill path is easy, but there’s no turning back.
Christina Rossetti

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
**Short Funny Quotes**

He’s got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.
Leopold Fechtner

Marriage is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.
Lisa Hoffman

If you can’t fix it with duck tape you have’nt used enough.
**Short Funny Quotes**

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
Paul Getty

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
Geraldo Rivera

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope

Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
**Short Funny Quotes**

You can be young without money but you can’t be old without it.
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Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.
Yogi Berra

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Rodney Dangerfield

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.
Dan Rather

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
Chuck Tanner

He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
Chuck Tanner

Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time.
**Short Funny Quotes**

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
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If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!
Yogi Berra

Summer is the season when the air pollution is much warmer.
**Short Funny Quotes**

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
Issac Asimov

Trouble defies the law of gravity. It’s easier to pick up than to drop.
Johathan Raban

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
**Short Funny Quotes**

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
Paul Getty

Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself.” – after being told he looked cool.
Yogi Berra

I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
Homer J. Simpson

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool
Edgar Watson Howe

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
The Quotes Junction

There are three faithful friends�an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Franklin

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
**Short Funny Quotes**

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Noelie Altito

There are three faithful friends�an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Franklin

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
**Short Funny Quotes**

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
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You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Dilbert.

A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation
**Short Funny Quotes**

It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!
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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
Henry Kissinger

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
Erica Jong

A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.
Shirley Maclaine

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
**Short Funny Quotes**

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
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Of all the things that tax a man’s patience, there’s nothing to compare with a stuck zipper.
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If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
John Kenneth Galbraith

Why don’t you learn from my mistakes? It takes half your life to learn from your own.
Shelagh Delaney

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.
Gene Brown
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
Finley Peter Dunne

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner

Man was given a sense of humor to compensate for nature’s law of gravity.
Anonymous

Free advice is the kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it.
**Short Funny Quotes**

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel.
American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.
Steven Wright

By the time we’re ready to admit we’ve reached middle age, we’re beyond it.
**Short Funny Quotes**

Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.
Will Rogers.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.
Dan Zevin

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool
Edgar Watson Howe

We have found that it’s much easier to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is bigger than we are.
**Short Funny Quotes**

A gas station is a place where you sometimes fill the car, but more often drain the kids.
**Short Funny Quotes**

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is a garlic breath.
**Short Funny Quotes**

Hippies, hippies… they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play frisbee!
Eric Cartman

Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
**Short Funny Quotes**

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosbey

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?
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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
Ronald Reagan

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.
Mark Twain

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
**Short Funny Quotes**

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Oprah Winfrey

We have found that it’s much easier to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is bigger than we are.
**Short Funny Quotes**

One of the most important things to remember about infant care is: don’t change diapers in midstream.
**Short Funny Quotes**

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…
Sir Norman Wisdom

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.
Mark Twain

Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list Uncle Sam as a dependent.
**Short Funny Quotes**

Despite what the cartoonists make him look like, Uncle Sam is a gentleman with a very large waste.
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Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Ken Dodd

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein

We have found that it’s much easier to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is bigger than we are.
**Short Funny Quotes**

The latest new dance craze is called, “The Politician.” It’s two steps forward, one step backward, and then a sidestep
**Short Funny Quotes**

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Jane Wagner

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Groucho Marx.

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.
Walter Winchell