Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
Ashleigh Brilliant

It’s a catastrophic success.

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
Stephen Bishop

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
Abba Eban

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.

It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
Paul Newman

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
Groucho Marx

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

I�m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Clarence Darrow

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Frank Zappa

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.
Victor Borge

The 100% American is 99% idiot.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

If you�re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
Oscar Wilde

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

By the time you read this you�ve already read it.

I don�t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.
Mark Twain

Whatever you do, don�t congratulate yourself too much. You�re not that good.

I�m not sure what�s wrong� But it�s probably your fault.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

At a turbulent public meeting once I lost my temper and said some harsh and sarcastic things. The proposal I was supporting was promptly defeated. My father who was there, said nothing, but that night, on my pillow I found a marked passage from Aristotle: Anybody can become angry–that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.�
Arthur Gordon

The universe is laughing behind your back.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

I�m smiling. This should scare you.

I never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.

Don�t be humble. You�re not that great.

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
Charles Pierce

The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).

Blows are sarcasms turned stupid.

If you�re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

You have delighted us long enough.
Jane Austen