The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
Arthur Schopenhauer
You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.
Homer J. Simpson
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Mae West
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
Gandhi
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.
Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.
The Quotes Junction
I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true.
Katherine Hepburn
A terrible thing happened to me last night again – Nothing.
Phyllis Diller
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Dr. Henry Kissinger
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
Bertolt Brecht
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde quotes
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!
Dave Barry
There’s no bigger fan of the opposite sex than me, and I have the bills to prove it.
Alan Lerner
It’s not the people who are in prison that worry me. It’s the people who aren’t.
Arthur Gore
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
Oliver Goldsmith
Remember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!
Allison Gappa Bottke
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson
The full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the fringes.
JD Bernal
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Gabor
I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
Ilie Nastase
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.
Anonymous
Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half the CV’s away before you even look at them.
David Brent
Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.
George Bernard Shaw
A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
Dino Levi
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
F. P. Jones
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
Leonardo Di Vinci
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason
It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
Oscar Wilde
Clever people master life; the wise illuminate it and create fresh difficulties.
Emil Nolde
Free advice is the kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it.
Anonymous
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones
Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
Anonymous
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
It is impossible to love and be wise.
Francis Bacon
Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.
William Shakespeare
I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield