Be alert – the world needs more lerts.

Never eat with your mouth full.

The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

Men know that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she would probably save the infant’s life, without even considering whether there were men on base.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

I want a guy that’s sensitive and caring, and that loves cats. Unfortunately, most guys like that are gay.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

We have strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful.

Life is the only thing you can’t get out of alive.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend�s forehead.

May your life be like toilet paper… Long and useful.

Someone said to Voltaire, “Life is hard.” Voltaire replied, “Compared to what?”

Sometimes people need what only friends can provide � Absence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over the strings are attached.

Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, “Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, current account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends.”

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. (A life sentence!)

Marriage is a thing, which puts a ring on a woman’s finger…and two under the man’s eyes.

Life is full of disappointments, and I’m full of life!

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it�s hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous.

Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.

Friends don�t let friends drive naked.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Today is the last day of some of your life.

Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

It is silly for a woman to go to a male gynecologist. It is like going to an auto mechanic who has never even owned his own car.

Never let a computer know you�re in a hurry.

With computers, every morning is the dawn of a new error.

To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in deep water.

Free advice is worth what you paid for it.

Friends — the people who stab ya in the front.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you�ve got the time.

People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.

Friends who think they’re perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.

Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Sometimes people need what only friends can provide — Absence.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

Always remember, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.