Lucy: There’s nothing like a first kiss.
Lucy: [to Henry] I hardly know you.
Marlin: Actually sweetie, you’re kind of dating him.
[Lucy looks at Henry]
Henry: Sorry I’m not better looking.
Ula: Sharks are like dogs, they only bite if you touch their private parts.
Update Video: Red Sox win series!… Just kidding.
Update Video: Schwarzenegger becomes governor of California!… Not kidding.
Doug: Well, I may not able to kick your ath but my thithter thure can.
[while playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]
Ula: You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?
Henry: Yeah, I’m looking forward to it.
Caddy: I wouldn’t surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.
Ula: What’s wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.
Caddy: Is that right? How’d you get that nasty cut anyway?
Ula: A shark bit me.
Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!
Lucy: What are you doing?
Henry: Nothing, I was just getting some lint off for you…
Lucy: You were going for a feelski!
Henry: All right, I’m sorry… But this is like the 23rd time we’ve made out already and… they’re getting blue!
Dr. Keats: Was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?
Doug: Hey! Don’t make fun of Henry, all right? It’th not hith fault hith head’th thaped like that!
Dr. Keats: Note the intense overreaciton. That’s the ‘roids talking.
Henry: [begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] I don’t want it to end like this.
Doug: Yeah, well, it’s gonna end like this!
[Doug runs to beat up Henry but then Henry holds him down]
Henry: Calm down, little fella!
Doug: Okay I’m calm!
[pause]
Doug: I coulda whooped his ass, Daddy but this gravel – I siped on it a fwell.
Marlin: Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes.
Ula’s Kid: Daddy, what’s a nympho?
Ula: Oh, the nympho is the state bird of Ohio.
Ula’s Kids: Oh.
Henry: You’re the state idiot of Hawaii.
Ula: My shirt size is medium husky.
Henry: I see you’re sitting here by yourself, and I was wondering if I could join you for breakfast.
Lucy: Oh, that would be nice, but I have a boyfriend. I’m sorry.
Henry: You’re making up a boyfriend just to get rid of me?
Lucy: No. I’m not.
Henry: Oh yeah, what’s his name then?
Lucy: Ringo.
Henry: Oh yeah? What’s his last name, Starr?
Lucy: No. McCartney.
Henry: Let me ask you something, Alexa. If you made a promise to a girl’s dad that you would not see her anymore… would you consider that like a binding promise?
Alexa: Absolutely.
Henry: Yeah?
Alexa: But then again, there are always ways around such things.
Henry: Like?
Alexa: For example. If I promised a woman’s father I would not see her… I would simply shut my eyes, while she serviced my manhood.
[Jocko the walrus, slaps his face]
Henry: That’s actually a cool way to look at it. And a very gross way.
[Alexa's smile drops]
Dr. Keats: Tom was in an accident and now he only has a ten-second memory.
Ten Second Tom: I was in an accident? That’s terrible.
Dr. Keats: Don’t worry, you’re totally gonna get over it in about three seconds.